Roses
by KaiBlackRose
Summary: Castiel is stuck with Lucifer haunting him. He is quickly losing hope. But with help from unexpected source he finds that if you are given enough hope you'll be strong enough to try again. AUish Destiel


_The song Roses doesn't belong to me it belongs to The Poets of the Fall. If you haven't heard of them i suggest checking them out. They are pretty good. So this story is sort of cannonish... i know be shocked. It's really angsty and short. I haven't been able to write anything that long recently...except my screenplay, which still isn't complete. Also if you know the girl with no name then you deserve a cookie *throws cookies* Thank you. Now please Read, Review, and Enjoy. =)_

_Kai_

* * *

><p><em>I've walked the distance, I paid my dues and tried to have a go at what I thought I knew was real, held<br>no appeal  
>I've been to places, I've seen the tidings,<br>I bought a book of rules for every coin that I could steal  
>And so I came to gaze upon the stars, when they were yet unborn<br>And consequently, tear at my old scars, and the mask I had outworn_

_So when I'm crying alone  
>Yeah, when I'm cold as a dying stone<br>I've heard the rumors, started fires, I sowed a sordid lot of plays for keeps for what I need, behold  
>the demons that I freed<br>I've tried my best at wearing the hard hat, but healing doesn't seem to happen when you hide away the  
>seed<br>And so I came across the medicine man, and he showed me what I'd forlorn  
>For if I'm stayed it happens by my own hand, and my own voice full of scorn<br>Without you I'm nothing at all  
>And life has the face of a morbid game<br>With you nothing seems impossible  
>It all seems to fit the frame<em>

_So when I'm crying alone  
>Yeah, when I'm cold as a dying stone<em>

…

Castiel cowers beside his bed with his knees pressed tightly into his chest. The torment of his brother Lucifer haunting his ever moment as he pinches his eyes shut trying to helplessly to will the visions away. He opens his and scampers backwards as Lucifer's face smiles at him, mere inches away from his own.

"Come on brother. Play with me." Lucifer wines and Castiel shakes his head.

"You're not real. You're not real." Castiel replies panic starting to lace his voice.

Lucifer chuckles and reaches out a long finger and strokes Castiel's cheek. Castiel feels the air in his lungs catch and he slams his eye lids down once more.

"Play with me. Or I actually will make this a living hell for you. I mean think about it this way brother. I'll never die and you'll never die. We'll be here forever."

Castiel eyes shoot open. They are wide with fear as a malicious grin spreads across Lucifer's face.

"Yep, that's right Cassie. We'll be together forever. How awesome is that?" Lucifer stands up and walks around to the other side of the bed and slumps down upon it. He reaches his hand out and absently begins to card his hand through Castiel's messy coif of hair.

Castiel whimpers quietly, but doesn't pull away. He doesn't want to give his brother that kind of satisfaction.

"Oh, come one talk to me Castiel. Just give in. Sam did, and look where that got him?" Lucifer chuckles darkly as he suddenly grips Castiel hair tightly in his fist. Castiel screams and tries to pull away.

"Trust me… You're not going anywhere." Lucifer whispers in Castiel's body goes ridged as a stray tear trickles down Castiel's cheek.

~/~

Castiel stares off into the distance in the wards common room as the nurses' hurry by him, paying no mind to him. He had been here for how long now? He didn't remember. What he did remember was that Dean hadn't come to see him once. Not that he could blame Dean for that. Tears suddenly began welling up in his eyes. Castiel tries to keep them at bay with the back of his hand, but a few slip past and land in his lap on his finely starched cotton sweatpants.

"Hey." A soft voice sounds and Castiel jumps, whirling his head around and looking about in a panic.

A girl with soft blond curls and silver gray eyes blink down at him. She is wearing a matching outfit to Castiel's, which is a bright white t-shirt and gray cotton sweatpants. The panic subsides from Castiel's eyes as the girl just continues to blink at him.

"Is it alright if I sit next to you?" She mumbles then looks away as if she is embarrassed. Castiel blinks at her once then slowly nods his head. "I like being around you. It's nice and quiet." The girl suddenly continues and Castiel tilts his head in confusion.

"I'm not sure I understand what you're saying." Castiel let out in his normal low raspy voice.

"With you I don't hear the voices." She sighs and looks back over at Castiel as she slouches down in the vacant seat beside him.

"Oh." Was all Castiel could think to say.

"You're not really crazy are you?" She asked abruptly and Castiel furrowed his brows.

He presses his lips into a tight line as he thinks about the answer. Slowly he nods his head, "Yeah, I'm fairly crazy, but I brought it all upon myself. I deserve what has become of me."

"I don't believe that." The girl replies sternly and Castiel eyes narrow upon her in anger.

"What would you know?" He spits and the girl swallows nervously.

"I know that you seem like a nice person. If you are a person. The rumor going around is that you don't eat or sleep, is that true?"

Castiel nods his head again. No point in denying it. "I don't think you would believe me even if I told you." Castiel sighs as he tips his head back up and stares up at the ceiling counting the cracks that weave across it.

"Hello, I'm crazy I'll believe anything." She says brightly and Castiel chuckles softly as he breaks his gaze from the ceiling.

"I'm an angel. Well I was an angel. I'm not so sure what I am anymore. I think I have lost who I am." Castiel mutters distantly.

"I'm a mind reader. See mine is just as weird as yours. And I understand what you mean. You think you find something that really defines you, but you realize that it doesn't. It makes you lose yourself." Castiel stares at the girl as he slowly nods his head up and down in agreement.

The girl looks away from him and down at the floor, then back up at him. "Are you afraid of what you've done?" She whispers.

Castiel nods his head once more and looks away from the girl. "Yes, my mistake haunts me every day."

The girl remains quiet after that, but she doesn't leave and for some reason that makes Castiel feel at ease. Together they stay sitting beside one another until a nurse informs them that it's almost lights out and that they have to get ready for bed.

The girl nods and follows after the nurse, while Castiel goes to the other side of the ward. In the corner of his eye he sees Lucifer waltzing after him a confused look spread across his face.

"Where have you been hiding?" He snaps, but Castiel remains silent as he paces quickly back to his room.

The whole entire night Lucifer keeps Castiel annoys Castiel by singing. The worst part was that Castiel didn't even know the song, only that by the end of night he could recite it both backwards and forwards.

~/~

The next morning Castiel returns to the seat he had had yesterday and is happy to see the girl is already there and saving him a seat. She smiles brightly at him as he approaches and he quickly sits down beside her.

"How was your night?" He asks slowly and the girl shrugs.

"Loud mostly. How was yours?"

"Lucifer kept singing a song I did not recognize, which is what I think humored him the most."

"You see hallucinations of Satan?" The girl arches an eye brow at Castiel in disbelief.

"Yes, it's a rather long story." Castiel mutters and the girl shrugs again.

"Well, I've got no place I need to be." She said brightly as she reaches out and grips Castiel's hand in a reassuring fashion.

~/~

Castiel is amazed that girl seems to believe everything he says about angels, demons, and the Winchesters. And every time he mentions Dean's name the girl smiles at him as if she knows something he doesn't.

"They left me here with Meg, who is a demon." The girl just continues to nod and listen. She occasionally asks a question and Castiel tries his best to answer.

"Are you in love with Dean?" She suddenly asks and Castiel's body tenses as he shakes his head from side to side.

"No, I can't allow myself to feel that way. I don't deserve something as wonderful as that." Castiel mutters absently as he pushes a hand through his dark locks hair.

"I wasn't asking if you could or not. I was asking if you did." She says and Castiel slowly begins to nod his head up and down.

"I do love him very much, but I don't deserve his love, nor am I naïve enough to believe I'll ever receive it." Castiel mutters again this time into his hands, which are now covering his face.

"Generally I think that the most anyone can do for one another is love them, and personally I think you're doing a fine job with that. I mean you sacrificed yourself for to save Sam, which in return helps Dean." She says as Castiel's hands fall into his lap.

"But I'm the one that caused all this. I was the one that broke Sam's wall." Castiel stammers as tears begin to cloud his eyesight.

"Okay, I'm not going to lie; you made some bad choices, but come on, who the hell hasn't. Just because you're an angel doesn't make you above that general rule of thumb. Power corrupts Angel, and anyone in your position would have most likely done the same."

She gives him a reassuring smile as she reaches out takes his hand once more. Swiftly she stands up and begins pulling him down the hall way. He had never been this way in the ward before and everything seems new to him.

At the end of the hall there is a large wooden double door and the girl's pace quickened when she spots it. Castiel tries to match her pace, but stumbles. She stops and lets Castiel situate himself once more before she starts dragging him to the end of the hall once more.

She shoves it open and the light of the sun makes Castiel squint as his eyes work on adjusting to the new of light. He had become so use to florescent that he had almost thought of them as the sun. When his eyes did adjust Castiel let out a loud gasp.

He was standing in the middle of large garden. Flowers of all colors and variety litter the ground beside the pebbled walkway, on which they were standing upon. A small waterfall can be heard in the background but Castiel can't seem to find its location as he looks around the entire site of the garden. His eyes suddenly find a small bed of roses clinging tightly to the side of the building on a small trellis.

He absently releases the girl's hand and wanders over to them and kneels down in front of them. Tears were once more clouding his eyesight, but this time he let them tumble and fall on to the soil. He sobs and the girl walks over and wraps her arms around him gently.

"Thank you." He whispers into her shoulders as he continues to sob.

"The roses will save you too." She whispers back hugging him even tighter.

~/~

From that day on Castiel goes to the garden everyday to check on the small patch of roses because for some reason he finds it easier to ignore Lucifer there. It doesn't matter if it is raining or the sun is shining, Castiel just stands there and gazes at the roses. Most of the time the girl will join him, and they will share more about themselves, but never do they ask one another their names.

Castiel figures it's not important because names are just labels anyways, and Castiel himself isn't all that fond of his.

~/~

The rain beats against Castiel's skin as he stands outside by the rose garden trying to shield it from the harsh down pour. The girl is standing in the doorway, watching him carefully.

"I miss him." Castiel shouts in her direction, and the girl tilts her head in confusion.

"Who God?" the girl shouts back and Castiel shakes his head.

"No, I miss Dean. He is the only one I truly want to see." Castiel last few words fade into the wind as he looks up at the sky. "I love him, and I really want to stop loving him. But I can't. He could never forgive me for what I've done, and who could blame them."

"Don't listen to Lucifer. What he is telling you is wrong. I'm sure Dean does care."

"It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't because the truth is I don't deserve his love. I deserve to die like I was suppose, but God has decided to make me a cruel sick joke." Castiel spits as tears slip from his eyes and mix with rain that race down his cheeks.

"I don't think you're a curl sick joke. In fact I like you a lot. You're my only friend in here. But then again that might be because being around you is so quiet and peaceful. I think you deserve to live and apparently God thinks the same. And since its Gods will I think it must be pretty important." She insists as she walks over to Castiel, and out of the cover of the doorway. She is quickly drenched when she does reach Castiel.

Castiel stares at her blankly as if he is unsure about she just said.

"I swear someday things will get better. I know that they probably won't get better tomorrow, and they probably won't even get better the day after that, but someday I promise things will get better. You just wait and see." She gives Castiel a wide smile and a wink as she takes his hand and gently leads him back into the ward to dry off.

The nurses give them strange looks when they see their wet and disheveled appearances but they don't say much of anything and Castiel appreciates that. The girl leads Castiel back to his room and sits him down on his bed. She brings back a towel and tosses it carelessly on the top of his head. They both laugh. Castiel can barely even remember a time he has laughed. He likes this girl, even if he doesn't know her name.

~/~

Lucifer grips Castiel's hair tightly in his fist, bringing them nose to nose. Castiel tries to squirm away, but his attempts prove fruitless and he lets out a forlorn sob.

"I don't know what you've been doing or what you're playing at, but I'm done with that game Castiel. If my face doesn't torment you, then I'll pick another face that will.

"You're not real." Castiel shouts as he starts squirming again.

"Then tell me, why does it feel so real?" Lucifer growls into Castiel's ear, but his voice is no longer sounding like his own.

Castiel freezes and looks up at his brother, who is now wearing a different face.

"No!" Castiel's pleas as he begins to sob.

"Aw come on Cas, I thought you would be happy to see me." The voice sounds a lot like Dean's and the face looks a lot like Dean's, but Castiel knows it's not.

But that doesn't stop all the words that Lucifer says cut any less. Castiel presses his eyes shut, and wishes he could be anywhere then where he is.

~/~

He doesn't go to see the girl anymore. He is spiraling and he knows it, but he continues to stay in his room and listen helplessly to Lucifer, who continues to torment him with Dean's face. For some sick reason Castiel believes he deserves this. He deserves the harsh and cruel comments that Lucifer, with Dean's face dish out.

"I'm tired." Castiel rasps out as he looks over at his brother, who shrugs his shoulders.

"How tired do you think Sammy got when you broke down that wall Cas? Did you ever stop to think about what you did to Sam? No you just continued on your merry way and hoping that I would just forgive you. Well think again." Fake Dean, growls in a low voice, which makes Castiel flinch and look away.

"You're not real." Castiel goes back to muttering his mantra. Fake Dean just rolls his eyes and saunters over to him. He bends down and smirks at him. Softly he begins to softly card a rough hand through Castiel hair.

He leans in and brushes his lips against Castiel's, which makes gasp as he tries to crawl backwards, only to have his back collide into the cold white metal bed frame.

"It feels so real don't it." Fake Dean says as a smirk grows on his lips. "And you want it so bad don't you Cas?"

Castiel clenches his fist together as he presses his eyes firmly shut. He starts shaking his head frantically. "No! No! You're not real. You're not Dean!" Tears well up in Castiel's eyes, which forces them open. "Please stop." He pleads looking up at the imposter.

Fake Dean, chuckles for a moment then morphs back into Lucifer, the grin still wide and present on his face.

"Now that was a fun game. We should play that more often."

~/~

Dean paces down the long hallway, looking cautiously over his shoulder as he walks. This is the first time Dean has went to see Castiel since he had left him here. How long had that been? A couple weeks. No, more like a couple of months. He keeps trying to convince himself that this had been the right thing to do. Yet, even deep down Dean knows the real reason he left Castiel here is because he wants him to suffer. He wants Castiel to pay for what he had done to Sam. At least that what he thought at the beginning. Now though he doesn't seem so sure.

Dean halts his pace abruptly as a girl with blond hair steps in front of him. She tilts her head to the side as if confused about something. She then reaches forward and smiles brightly as her hand gently ghosts over Dean's temple. Dean stumbles backwards in alarm, but the girl just takes another step towards him.

"I can't hear you." She states proudly and now Dean feels very confused.

"That's nice." He mutters as he tries to side step her and continue down the hall to Castiel's room.

"Who are you here to see?" She asks cheerfully as she steps in front of him blocking his path once more.

"I don't see where that's any of your business." Dean huffs and the girl nods her head in agreement.

"That's probably true." A nurse passes by and accidently bumps shoulders with the girl. The girl's attention shifts quickly to the nurse as her gaze follows her down the hall away from them. Her eyes grow suddenly wide and she whips around and glares darkly at Dean. Her carefree mood from just moments ago completely vanishes before Dean's eyes.

"You're Dean?" She snarls in a harsh tone, which takes Dean aback. One because how in the hell does she know his name, and two, why is she so angry because Dean is pretty sure they had just met.

"Look, how do you know my name?" Dean growls back, and the girl just rolls her eyes.

"Angel told me." She sighs as if that is the most obvious answer she could have given. Dean blinks at her in surprise.

"Are you talking about Cas? And he told you about me?" Dean stammers in disbelief and the girl rolls her eyes once more.

"In between all his suffering, yes. But not lately, I think he's lost his hope." She huffs as she crosses her arms over her chest in annoyance, still continuing to glare at Dean harshly.

"He's been suffering?" Dean says suddenly quiet and the girl nods her head up and down in response. "I just thought he would be safe here."

"Did you really think that seeing Lucifer's face every waking hour of the day wasn't suffering? God, where the hell have you been? I mean other then hell." She says darkly and Dean purses his lips and shakes his head.

"Out saving the world, which refuses to stay fixed mostly. I'm sorry that I don't have time to babysit a crazy angel." Dean shoots back and the girl's eyes narrow upon him making Dean feel suddenly very uneasy.

"He loves you and he is suffering for you. Either show him enough courtesy to return his feelings or don't even bother showing up at all." She says sternly as she jabs her finger harshly into Dean's chest.

Dean pushes her finger away, "You don't understand anything that happened between me and Cas. So don't pretend that you do." He snarls at her again as he shoves her to the side and marches down the hall towards Castiel's room.

The girl sighs she watches Dean open the door and vanish into Castiel's room. "At least when you're here, bring him a little hope."

She turns on her heel and walks back down the hall in the opposite direction, but without shooting worried glances over her shoulder as she went.

~/~

Dean slowly opened the door and as he begins his small search for Castiel. At first he doesn't see Castiel cowering behind the bed's small frame, with his eyes pressed closed and his hands covering his ears. Dean swallows a suddenly hard breath as he takes tentative steps towards the angel.

Slowly Dean crouches down and gently touches Castiel's cheek with his thumb. Castiel's eyes shoot open and his eyes lock with Dean's. Then suddenly he gives a reaction that Dean isn't expecting.

"No, please go away." Castiel stammers at him as he shakes his head, "You're not real."

Dean feels a large lump form in his throat. Had Castiel gotten that bad? Had Dean let this happen?

"I'm sorry Cas." He whispers as he continues to trace small circles with his thumb upon Castiel's cold cheek.

"Don't say things like that! You have to hate me! I deserve that hate! Please hate me!" Castiel whispers back his voice cracking as tears well up in his blue eyes.

"I don't hate you Cas. I don't think I could ever really hate you. I have to admit that there were times that I didn't like you all that much, but I never have hated you." Dean says softly and he is almost surprised that he truly means it.

"Do you want to know a secret? I love you. I have always loved you. Even when I had lost my memory. I knew that there was something missing. I didn't know what it was then, but I know now and it was you."

Dean blinks at Castiel in surprise and quickly stands back up. He hadn't been expecting that kind of response either.

"Cas, why are you telling me this?" Dean stammers as he scrubs a hand over his face.

"Because I want you to kill me. I want to be dead. I want all of this to be over. I want you to not hate me. I want you to leave me alone, but most of all I just want forgiveness." Tears were leaking down Castiel's cheeks as he looked up at Dean's pensive face.

"No," Dean growled in a low voice as Castiel tilts his head to the side in confusion, "I'm not going to kill you. I won't do that because I know you are stronger then this Cas. You can do anything." Dean finishes and Castiel shakes his head.

"I've never asked you for anything. Why won't you do this for me?" Castiel answers softly and Dean looks away from him and over at the door.

"Because you don't ask someone you love to kill you, and you especially don't ask the person, who is in love with you to kill you." Dean says sharply as he turns back around, as a single tear trails down his cheek.

"You love me?" Castiel mutters in disbelief.

"Yes, it's just that you hurt me so much Cas. But I can't shake these feelings no matter how hard I seem to try. I know you don't think you deserve it, but you got it. The question is now Cas, will you accept it?"

Castiel stands up slowly and as he absently pushes a hand through his dark hair. Dean bites his lips as he waits for Castiel to say something, but apparently that isn't going to happen so Dean continues: "I'm so sorry Cas. I want to help you, but I don't know how. I swear I'm going to find a way." Dean stammers his voice breaking slightly.

"You're real." Castiel suddenly mutters as he lunges forward and slams his lips into Dean's. Dean at first is startled, but quickly begins t kissing him back. Castiel's arms link around Dean's neck as Dean's own arms snake around Castiel's waist.

"I can't believe you're actually real." Castiel mutters softly against Dean's lips, and Dean just nods his head happily in agreement.

"I swear Cas, I'm going to save you."

"And after you do we can try again." Castiel whispers as he hugs Dean tightly.

…

_Grow me a garden of roses  
>Paint me the colors of sky and rain<br>Teach me to speak with their voices  
>Show me the way and I'll try again<em>


End file.
